Love is worth waiting for. Marriage is the commitment of love worth waiting for.
I am worthy.
After giving my life over in March of 2010 God began pruning me. Little by little, tenderly, He began to heal wounds and give me sight through His eyes. For the first time I was able to see areas of my life that I was creating my own harm.
As a child of sexual abuse I had developed this mentality that love involved my body. I believed that if I gave it away, I would in turn receive love. No matter how small or large the offering of my body was, love existed with each offering. As a freshman in high school, totally against all that felt right, I gave away my purity.
It was awful! I was still a child.
What was already lost, I would find a way to use as gain. I would get what I wanted and I would use my body as my weaponry. This was the greatest destruction of my life. And, when God gave me His eyes to see, what I really saw humbled me. I never got what I wanted.
Though I walk slow, and am weak, my love for God overcame these weaknesses. (2 Corinthians 12:9,10) I chose abstinence. Though temptation came my way, I overcame. I maintained my purity for more than three years. For one special season, I even fasted from dating, committing myself to my Husband, my Maker, alone. (Isaiah 54:5) It was a season of jubilee.
Many people didn’t understand me. I expressed my excitement of being married before giving my body to my husband. This concept was foreign and radical to many who I shared this new dream with. But I wanted it so badly. I had experienced the pain, suffering, and loss of having loved backwards. I was, and continue, living with the consequences of this-worldly love.
Two children, though greatly loved, endure the consequences alongside me.
In 2014, when I was leaning on my own understanding, I convinced myself that this fella I had been completely smitten with for a few years was the one. My will became my hope, and I fell back into worldly love. Once again, I created my own pain.
I repented and received help this time around. I had learned that it couldn’t be by my might, but by His power. (Zechariah 4:6) God delivered my husband, with borders that helped prevent another fall. Though there would be moments of temptation, I was no longer living in a worldly love. I married pure, Godly love.
My husband and I have been married for nearly six months, and still do not know one another physically.
Though there have been opportunities since our marriage, they were not virtuous. To love God, is to live holy as He is holy. (1 Peter 1:16)
One of our greatest obstacles is not being able to express our love in the intimate manner that was designed for man and his wife. There are days we have been told our kisses were too long, that our embraces were too close. The innocent laying of my head on my husbands shoulder is seen as “too much contact.”
For the first time in my life, the intimate act is holy in the sight of God, and postponed by the hands of man.
This love that is completely founded in Christ, in His grace and power, allows us to overcome. We yearn to be together. But our yearning to live for God has propelled and excelled us above this mountain. We walk forward in peace and patience knowing that the time for this is predestined. We walk forward in pure love, praising God for helping us fulfill our hearts desires and for being our strength.
We are blessed.
Our love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES ALL things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)