“I’m afraid God. I’m afraid I’ve made a mistake. I’m afraid to trust. I’m afraid to completely break down the walls. I’m afraid God.”
Escaping the comfortable grips of my air mattress I determined to not “waste my wilderness.” I packed up my thrift store-bought nine west with my morning essentials, slinging it over both shoulders as a makeshift backpack. Snatching up my water bottle I made my way to the hiking trail.
Stepping into the shade of the woods was like stepping into a new world. Everything seemed more alive. Including myself. I was desperate to reach the small community of modern-day caves half way down the trail. Tree branches had been intricately woven to create a tent like structure. One of the caves was constructed around two boulders that made up its walls. This one was my favorite.
On top of its walls was where I met with God.
Taking a panoramic, I envisioned fierce zombie wars with my boys. I could see Caleb running toward them, slaying as many as he could with his sword. Deegan, hiding low in his cave, shot the ones Caleb missed. Jacob, head of the tribe, shouted protective exhortations.
It hurt to acknowledge the deep desires within my heart.
Better to practice contentment.
Deeply inhaling the fragrance of pure organic freshness, I began to unpack my bible, journal, and devotion. My fearful heart led me here and was still begging for acknowledgment and resolution.
“He’s not faithful to you. He’s a con man,” so many warned.
Logical enough. So I listened. I reasoned. I contemplated. Pulling my cell out of the middle pocket of my mock backpack, I checked the time. His counselor would be in. One call and peace could be restored.
I committed ahead of time complete honesty to my husband no matter what answers I received. Staring down at the phone in my hand I heard a gentle whisper, “free indeed.” I immediately remembered the altar call at our healing service at my home church four days prior. The Holy Spirit spoke freedom over me.
I am free indeed! A gentle nudge of truth in the quiet of creation.
It was Him and I.
Yet so much fear.
What does one have to do with the other?
Looking up toward the brightest of all spotlights, I sat on Gods stage and made a choice
“You, God. I want You to speak to my heart what is true.”
“Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice, for the Lord has done marvelous things! Do not be afraid…” Joel 2:21-22
Without my permission bursts of water streamed down my smiling cheeks. Spreading my arms like a soaring eagle I rejoiced, “I’m sorry. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. Yes! I say Yes, I say Yes, I say Yes.”
This marriage, as difficult the path, is MY GIFT. Every part.
Beautiful purpose. Crazy journey. Incredible love.
There is no fear in love. (1 John 4:18) There is no freedom in fear.
I am free indeed.
I never made the call. I confessed all to my battle buddy. His patient, humble heart forgave me and peace was restored.
I didn’t return to my tent the same. There was a change.
A renewed steadfast Spirit within me.
I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4
Singing through smiles I made my way to the last morning major class of writers conference. Finding it difficult to focus, I gave thanks. The week had been highly insightful, inspirational, and informative. I wasn’t ready to leave, though I was looking forward to start practicing all I’d learned, or at least some of it.
Taking advantage of my lunch break I began tearing down the tent. Video game sounds suddenly filled the air. My husband was calling.
“Hello” I said.
“Hi baby girl, how are you? How was class?”
I gave a quick recap and inquired about his meeting with his new counselor.
“It was good. The usual six month review. But, I had to make a major decision.”
I stopped in my tracks, “What do you mean?”
“I had to choose between three dates.” He said.
The only thing I could muster was, “Shut the front door!”
Laughing with the love of a husband, MY husband, he promised sincerity.
Our much-anticipated honeymoon was approved by the State of New York.
Tears and laughter once again burst out of me. The conclusion of my amazing week in Montrose concluded alongside the painfully dry season of physical intimacy with my husband.
We have the joy of counting down once again. It is exciting to imagine what our first private moments will be like.
Perfecting our love. Growing deeper.